Friends with benefits. Open relationship. It boggles the mind just how many definitions there might be to describe the relationship. If you are seeing someone exclusively, there are words for that, too. Plenty of words exist for this, too. Avoiding a label, even in a simple conversation, often indicates dishonesty. By keeping it ambiguous, they can always say that it was a misunderstanding rather than admitting they were intentionally deceptive.
This also tends to indicate a relationship imbalance where one person has all the power to choose what it will be while the other patiently or impatiently waits for a definition. Insisting on avoiding a definition gives one person all of the control and the other person none of it. It hardly denotes equality or health in the relationship.
It just makes it confusing to navigate. This imbalance often comes from immaturity. A failure to communicate may not be intentionally harmful, but it can cause harm all the same. But more than defining our current relationships, it becomes incredibly important that we define our past ones, too. It took me the better part of a year to be able to say that my last relationship was abusive. I said unhealthy. I even called it toxic. But I tap-danced around calling it abusive — and I hate tap dancing.
When I finally said it, it was a relief to put a name to what I had experienced. The gaslighting, the frequent angry rants, the flat-out emotional assault where every part of who I am was eviscerated — it all had a name. Sometimes your relationships progress before your labels for them do, and you need to pause so you can define them. If you're realizing that it's time for you to DTR , or Define the Relationship, here's what you need to know.
Defining the relationship requires honesty and vulnerability; you have to know what you want and express that to someone else, and for many people that doesn't come easily. Often, it can feel easier to deal with the messiness of an undefined relationship than to find out your person doesn't want the same things you do. So, do you even have to DTR? Technically, no. If you're not bothered or concerned about the status of your relationship or you're confident you and your partner are on the same page, there's no reason you have to have a chat.
However, if you're unsure or insecure about where you stand, or you feel the need for a more official commitment, then it's important you communicate that with your partner. Remember that defining the relationship is your choice, and that you don't need to do it for external validation. If you have questions about your relationship or want to try labels like "girlfriend," "boyfriend," or "partner," it's probably time to have the DTR talk.
Just the premise of defining a relationship can bring up a lot of anxiety, but it's important not to let your fears dictate how the conversation goes. Say it with us: Defining a relationship doesn't have to be scary. According to Lindsay Jernigan , PhD, licensed clinical psychologist, defining a relationship "should be about vulnerably expressing how you feel, openly exploring your hopes and dreams for the relationship, and actively listening to the other person as they do the same.
Though you may be initiating the conversation, you won't be the only person being vulnerable. Jernigan has some practical advice for working through your anxiety as well. Finally, consider having your conversation outside for extra grounding, or even walking, which helps settle the central nervous system. If you want to define your relationship, you should do it sooner rather than later.
You might feel like you're protecting yourself by avoiding the DTR conversation, but there's a trade-off that comes with your silence. If you have the conversation, Milton explained, "It means you can stop pulling your hair out trying to decipher each other's text messages or overanalyzing every single interaction you have. There should be some spontaneity; otherwise, that takes the fun out of it. Now, approaching that particular conversation can require some skill and finesse.
Figuring out how to start is always hard, and so is mentally preparing yourself for not liking how the conversation ends. But it provides a sense of clarity that can be necessary for a relationship to continue. There really isn't a set time frame. Both Sonnenberg and Brigham agree that it should be based on a feeling rather than on how long two people have been engaging with each other.
This should also not be based on other people's timelines. Just because a friend became exclusive with someone after one month does not mean you have to follow suit. Remember, everyone gets into relationships at different points in time.
But if you struggle to work outside of time frames, Brigham says to wait at least two to three months before defining the relationship. By that time, you should have a better sense of the person and be able to gauge their feelings. Research has also proved there's something to the three-month period; for instance, day rehab programs used to be the golden standard because it takes 66 days on average to develop and form habits.
Importantly, people often find themselves stuck in ambiguous relationship situations—or situationships, as they've been labeled —because they don't want to face what's already in front of them, explains Brigham. I've never seen it happen. Most of the time, the person has already shown you how they feel. They will keep asking you out, they will want to see you a lot, and they will want to move in that direction," says Brigham. Brigham says it's important to ask yourself how it makes you feel: Are you happy, or are you constantly anxious about where you stand with that person?
Usually people want to have these talks because they feel stationary, "and if you feel stuck and stagnant, then that means something needs to progress and move forward. Once you've thought about why you're pulled to have the DTR conversation, then ask yourself what it is you want. What is it you ultimately want, and what do you want out of this specific relationship? Once you answer those questions for yourself, then you'll know what to ask the other person.
Here are some types of relationships and relationship labels to consider. For example, you may want to suggest having a committed, monogamous relationship, and the person might reveal they're not into the idea. Be ready to decide what that'll mean for you moving forward and what your next steps might be if your visions for the relationship aren't aligned. Don't make a formal announcement using a trite phrase like, "We need to talk. If you push too hard or set it up as a potential confrontation, the person might feel threatened and run in the opposite direction, warns Sonnenberg and DelGiudice.
Sonnenberg also suggests asking "open-ended questions instead of ones that require a definitive yes or no answer. For example, "I like you," "I enjoy spending time with you," or "I'd like to spend more time with you. What do you think? After expressing what you like about the relationship—and whether the other person is on the same page—discuss what you think the next step should be.
For example, if you're only seeing each other every other week, say you'd like to see them once a week or more. This isn't a one-and-done kind of conversation; it's one that you will have to have more than once as your relationship naturally evolves. Even at the end of having that initial discussion, things might play out differently than what you both said and agreed on in the moment.
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