Why friendships fade

They may have been short or long, ended in anger, or drifted away, the subject of a 'dear John' letter or even cruel silence.

For Fran Norris, a six year friendship ended instantly when her friend was rude to one of Norris' children. I can't have that kind of behaviour in my life anymore.

When Angela Thompson noticed a seven-year friendship falter, she let it fade away: "Lacking the stamina to deal with the issue head on and sit down for a grown-up conversation, I instead backed away quietly.

This decision wrought a curious reaction with Thompson's other friends. You get told 'just get over it' quite a bit. It doesn't hurt to gently remind mutual friends that they wouldn't be saying that if you were breaking up with your partner. Though we have mountains of advice for handling conflict at work, family fights or marital breakdowns, we still don't have a defined script or pattern for ending a friendship. Sometimes the older friendships are, the easier it is to project your most insecure relationships from childhood onto them, and to lump them in with less resolved, more volatile, less trusting relationships from your disordered family.

You assume that no one has compassion for you, either. I could dig around in this mud with you forever, but the start of your path down the yellow-brick road to better friendships is compassion for yourself. That said, I still love you and I miss you.

Okay, wow, I swear I am not trying to be creepy! See how nuts everything is right now? Reminder to everyone: Check in with your friends who live alone! The point is, self-reflection is good. Most people realize: SHIT.

Because you have to keep addressing the deep shame that burbles up every single goddamn time you ask for things! For some people, Never Ask For Anything is a lifelong religion. Lots of people end up doing both of these things repeatedly. And honestly? Almost everyone I know is at least mildly shitty at friendship or has been that way before.

Also fine. You will feel humbled by this news. It will suck. I feel humbled like three or four times a week now. It was the underlying self-recrimination it incited that got to me. I found a way to write an Ask Molly about it, which helped. I want to be the good friend, the perfect patient, the best wife, the most amazing mother.

Haha, I am just okay at most of these things! And when I disappoint myself, that can be hard. Being very good and being ignored anyway sends me into a state of intensely conflicted despair. Some — like those with colleagues and friendly faces in your spin class — require a bit more elbow grease. Others, like those from school and university, need nothing more than a link to a YouTube video of dancing cats to be revitalised.

For weeks, we shared videos of each other banging pots in the streets in support of the NHS, and enjoyed countless FaceTime calls with friends in different times zones. Technology became our lifeline. The bedrock to any friendship is consistency, communication and circumstance. But after Zoom backgrounds lost appeal and broadband connections dwindled, we soon reverted back to keeping in touch by way of DMing across the occasional meme. As the crisis continues to scar our mental health, simple tasks like getting out of bed in the morning or brushing our teeth require an added boost of brain power.

Finding reserves of energy to zealously interact with friends has fallen down the priorities list. More than ever before, my friendships are suffering a cavity of silence, which builds daily due to the lack of new or shared experiences.

How We Live. Why it's OK to let friendships fade out. Share using Email. By Bryan Lufkin. We've fallen out of touch with friends and acquaintances. It may feel awkward, but you don't actually have to rekindle every relationship you once had.